How a Hummingbird Taught Me About Trust
I was sitting outside yesterday afternoon, journaling in the late afternoon sun, while enjoying the soft floral sweet subtle scent from a pot of vibrant apricot colored roses in front of me. The prompt I used was one inspired by a question I was asked by my mentor Jay recently: What would it take for me to trust in life? In the gifts I have received? In my own self-worth? So I was writing free flow style, uncensored, allowing the words to come forth as they would.
While musing over events of the last few weeks I realized several things. One of the most important being how precious time is. I had been, what I like to refer to as, lightly structured with my time for quite a while. It allowed space for creativity and spontaneity, so I thought. But, I tend to be an extremist, so my space for creativity and spontaneity was greater than my space for dedicating time to bring my vision of transforming trauma through touch to those who would resonate. I don’t consider this a failure, as I might have in the past, rather I saw it as a lesson in balance.
So I created a schedule with Google calendar earlier this week. I had no idea how much fun that could be! It was love at first color splash! I wander from my point here. Once I created a calendar, suddenly I had the necessary structure to be organized and focused. I prioritized my time for my work and in doing so, it became painfully clear that in my personal time, I did not prioritize my needs or my boundaries consistently when interacting with other people. It created inner resentment for the time I needed to rest, be still and free my mind from structure as well as value my boundaries and need for solitude.
Just as I recorded this last thought I heard a buzzing noise. At first, thinking it was a dragonfly, I didn’t glance up. Then the noise came closer. Curious, I glanced up at my rose bush to see a beautiful bluish-grey hummingbird watching me. She gazed into my eyes, and satisfied I understood her message, she flew away. The message: “the nectar you seek is within” floated into my mind. How profound and synchronous; a message from above! Wow! And, she was right, as I had just come to a similar conclusion.
The nectar in this case is that of trust, more specifically self-trust. Trust in God, in life, in how I am to serve, and in all of my mentors/teachers here to help me step into that service. What I realized is that trust in others cannot occur before there is trust in oneself. Everything shifted as soon as the thought presented itself. Self-trust is similar to self-love. If you do not trust yourself fully, the ability to trust in life or others will be absent, and you will seek externally for the trust that exists within you.