How Self-Love Made Me Compassionate
This past Sunday I was reflecting over the events from the past several days, allowing inspiration for my next blog post topic to arrive. Well, it arrived with a bang that day, and remembering to have compassion inspired the content for this post.
The beginning of March has reminded me of the expression, “In like a lion, out like a lamb.” A lot of personal growth and transformation has occurred on many levels in the past 2 weeks. The most recent being a decision to work with 2 amazing heart centered mentors to bring my vision of serving through transformative touch to life. My inner child celebrated ecstatically! The expansion, joy and bliss I felt with this decision was the same feeling I had when I resigned from my PA career in November 2016.
A part of myself resisted this decision after the initial blissful glow and expansion settled. This is where the compassion has served me. Motivated and inspired beyond what I’ve felt for several months, I took my first assignment to heart. I completed it with the added benefit of an unexpected blessing of bird droppings. It showed me I’ve struggled because I have been prioritizing the needs of others and organizing my financial debt before my services. In addition, I had over diluted myself and my efforts. So I rearranged my priorities and have been challenged to hold firm in many ways since. Last Thursday, several events occurred, culminating with dinner, that conspired to bring inner resistance fiercely fighting and clawing to the surface.
Inspired to cook something creative, the omelet pancakes pictured here, I sliced a piece of my finger off while shredding collard greens; no pun intended. Fortunately there is a lot of padding and blood supply at the tips of our fingers. What followed was a gushing bloody mess. Sounds terrible, but really wasn’t that deep. A friend advised to put organic turmeric powder on it to stop the bleeding. So I did, and WOW!! A little tingling, and poof, the bleeding I’d been trying to stop for 5-10 minutes stopped within a minute or so. I breathed a sigh of relief; it was however, short lived.
Moments later I felt an excruciating pain, out of proportion to the injury I sustained, and then a powerful emotional heart centered and energetic bodily release followed. I found myself curled over on my kitchen floor, sobbing and struggling to breathe. I paused, remembered to exhale and took a big inhale. Breathing to surrender. The release came, leaving me tear streaked and snotty on the floor. The first thing to go was a memory of assisting a knee amputation in PA school. I was so traumatized by that experience in 2008, that seeing bloody, gangrenous appendages in movies would cause me to dissociate; essentially becoming disembodied. What came after that I can only wonder, all I know is it was fiercely intense and it’s gone. She didn’t let me off so easy though. I bumped my finger a couple of times, resulting in a need for more turmeric and a 2nd powerful release as intense as the first. But there was still a rebellious resistance, and it settled in my sinuses, creating an internal inferno that would burn for 2 more days. A bedside oil lamp helped me to stay connected to this transformative inferno. Having compassion for the resistance and struggle was the necessary action. Rest was imperative, and though disappointed, I cancelled a Vedic Thai client and rescheduled a commitment to a health fair. Rest is self-love; taking the time to slow down, process and integrate. To heal as need be.
By Sunday, though still tired, I felt lighter and less burdened. Thankfully, this was an easier release than the last one. I’ve found that fighting only makes it more painful and drawn out. A fighter my whole life, learning to surrender has taken much practice, and began when I learned how to meditate and be with discomfort about 5 years ago. The concept of self-love was also introduced at this time and included the importance of boundaries. It’s been a journey to establish those boundaries and have them respected. Learning to say “no” to others and “yes” to what is right for me without guilt, shame or resentment for putting myself first. It has not been easy as many have objected along the way, with heart aching criticisms and attacks. Having compassion for others has created space for growth.
Self-love is not selfish. Compassion is important in situations where we are challenged. I was reminded of this the other day after seeing a dear friend at the local co-op. When the challenge came on Sunday, I momentarily felt my body contract with a sense of disempowerment. My belly seized and my breathing hitched as the self critic started to surface. Almost instantaneously, my heart jumped in and said No! I paused, exhaled and inhaled, finding expansion and space to release and let go. Remembering to remember to have compassion, for myself and for others, has transformed who I am. To hold another’s criticism in our hearts creates pain, to accept them as they are and have compassion toward their own journey creates inner peace and a sense of ease. Part of self-love is loving yourself with abundance to the point where you are able to have this compassion for others, and their circumstances. We are all on this journey together at our own pace.